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Monday, October 26, 2015

Turning 21

This post is a very long rambling of what has been going on in my mind for the past month.  I'm currently typing this up at 2:47 am which means I have absolutely no filter and this can essentially go on forever. Night blogging is a sickness. Anyway, back to the post.
Back in the beginning of October, I turned 21. A huge milestone of a birthday if you're American. So you may ask, "why didn't you make a huge deal about it all throughout October by writing about it on here or posting tipsy pictures on Instagram?". I would normally answer with "laziness and procrastination", but that would only be half of the truth. In all honesty, I didn't really see any growth in myself this past year and I didn't feel like expressing how I am now 21, without a job, without a college degree, and still at home dreaming about one day living the life I want to live, while instead I'm crippled by anxiety and fear.
The best part about turning 21 is that I've decided a while ago I didn't want to drink alcohol! There goes my fantasy of being a cool and hip person who drinks red wine while decompressing with a cool and hip book every night. Maybe I can fill a wine glass with cranberry juice and still pull of the effortlessly cool and hip facade? Maybe, but that is definitely not the point of this post.
Throughout the past few weeks, I realized a few things that 20 year old me experienced and lived through that I wouldn't take back at all. Though it feels like I haven't made the most of the past year in some cases, I have grown and learned more about myself than I think I have in my entire life.
Here comes the ever apparent trend on my blog; a nice long list!

1. I don't have to live my life the way anyone else expects me to or tells me to. I am my own person and I am living my life for myself (motivation for this one courtesy of Zoe Sugg from her new book "Girl Online: On Tour")
2. Anxiety is a horrible, big, scary monster that haunts my thoughts on a daily basis, but I can't keep using this monster as an excuse. He will (yes, I've decided my personified anxiety is male) only grow bigger and stronger.
3.It's okay to figure things out on my own pace. Again, this is my life and I can choose the pace in which I want to live it.
4. I like this blog. Though I'm scared to share my little space on the internet that holds lots of personal thoughts with my real-life world (friends/family), I'm happy with the posts I've shared and with the people I've gotten to know from this blog, and I hope to virtually meet more amazing people.
5. At this point in my life, I'm okay with admitting I'm not fit for college. Some people can deal with the hair-pulling-out-stress that comes with college exams, but I know I can't, and I'm okay with that. That just means I have to find something else to do with my life that doesn't involve taking the traditional route (I write while I cringe and wince and feel a slight wave of anxiety creep over me. I'm fine though :-) )
6. Though I joke about "feeling fine" all the time. I really am, for the most part, fine.

That's about all I can manage to reflect on. Maybe 21 will bring better days leading me to a life of anxiety-free adventures filled with friends and laughs and good times. That's the aim at least.

xo, Sarah Holt

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